Sunday, October 11, 2015

Sulk sulk

Sexy amirite? This is me doped up after angiogram. 
Not doped up enough, mind you, but after the third serving of whatever it was they gave me I figured if I asked for any more I'd be accused of drug seeking behavior. I was told it would relax me and make me forget the entire procedure. I was lied to. Because,  NO IT FUCKING DIDNT! I remember all of it. None of it was nice. 

It's the feeling of things moving around in my tubes that troubles me. It's a horrible feeling. Sometimes painful, always ghastly. The first angiogram I had was at 23 I had had a stroke and was in the hospital. No details were really given to me prior to going in to have it and it was a painful traumatic experience, so really even if they evolved the procedure to the point where it consists of nothing more than being nuzzled by baby unicorns or buried under a giant waggy pile of happy Labrador puppies, still. No.  Fuck angiograms. For ever and ever. 

So previously I've said that this isn't that bad. It really isn't, and that's easy to see once you're on the other side of it, but there are days and experiences like this as you go through it, that are tiring and painful and dehumanizing, and just plain suck. You feel battered, and vulnerable, and you just want to get on the road and drive away forever. Sorry Buttercup, you have to suck it the fuck up and get through it. There are lots of things left to do, and your heart trying to kill you can really get in your way. Oh btw, I washed my hair and braided it wet before going in,  so that last picture is the dye stain I left on the pillow. I'm sure it's seen worse. 
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