Sunday, January 10, 2016

Happy New year y'all!

Rang in the new year quietly in a small apartment in Manhattan with a longtime friend, one of her co-workers,  a corgi, and a cat. It was entirely wonderful.

So with the trip to New York, came the anxiety I now experience with travel. Xanax gets me through, but it's frustrating as all hell to me that where once while en-route anywhere exciting I was thrilled, now I spend the journey haunted by dark thoughts - what if something happens while I'm on my way?  What if there's one flight of stairs too many coming out of the subway and my heart just bursts? Nobody knows me, nobody would know if I drop like a stone it's less likely to be a heart attack and more likely to be aortic dissection? What if something happens while I'm sleeping at a friends house and they get to be the one that *finds me*. I refuse to stop traveling at any opportunity, but it makes me SO ANGRY that I think this way now. Will I always feel this way? Will there ever be a time in my life that I don't feel my heart beating in my throat if I scale more than ten stairs or walk up a gentle hill? Will I ever NOT feel like a tired old lady? Will I ever be able to travel to places like Lisbon again or will the hills keep me at bay? Will I ever TRUST my heart not to betray me again? I've spoken to a couple of friends who survived cancer and while Cancer and Cardiac issues are two very different animals, once your health has been compromised in a major way like that, it's very hard not to constantly wonder, what's next?

Fuck this. Fuck it all with a rusty chainsaw.

Anyway - With the rollover to the new year I am no longer able to keep pushing this impending surgery to the back of my mind. It's going to be a long month but I need to start mentally steeling myself to go through this shit AGAIN. I saw my cardiologist yesterday, nothing really came of that since he's only been my cardiologist since last June, and really, aside from my dress rehearsal last october and an increasing *like shit* feeling,  nothings changed. I have the CTScan on the 14th, then follow up with surgeon on the 22nd. Then I'll get my date, then I'll know.

Meanwhile, trying to get back to work after an abysmal Xmas season