Because you have to laugh.

Carey Marx is a British Comedian who had a heart attack and made it funny. Sadly his standup bit on BBC Radio is no longer available, but this is funny too.

And we're back...

Gosh I haven't written since march? Really? Ok, so to update…

Surgeon had an extended recovery from his illness, turned out it wasn't nearly as pedestrian as an inner ear infection, and involved brain inflamation, severe vertigo and other fun symptoms one doesn't want someone performing a long haul surgerey on them having.  In the meantime I accepted an offer from friends  to fly me out to Chicago in exchange for a week of house sitting and tending to their small cat army while they ran off to frolic in Maui.(free flight to Chicago and a week of 5 cat cuddle-puddles? IF. I. MUST.) 

As you may recall our heroine (moi) was all kinds of dark and twisty earlier this year. Arriving in Chicago it was like the weight was lifted. I felt like myself for the first time in longer than I can recall, I saw all my favourite people, and did some really fun photography for my friends in a Go-Go troop, called The Janes,

I came back from Chicago feeling entirely myself again. I wanted to hold on to that. To that end, I decided for my own sanity, I needed to step back from this whole thing, and take back control for a while. I had an appointment scheduled with my cardiologist at the end of June and decided that would be when I'd get the ball rolling again. So that appointment happened last Friday, I'm now awaiting scheduling of a CT Scan and have an appointment to see surgeon in about a week and a half. I have plans for July, both beach and photography related, and I don't really care to change or cancel them so if all goes according to my plan, surgery in August? What I've learned however is that none of this is really up to me and it will happen when it happens. I just hope my CT isn't so grim I find myself canceling plans and checking in 2 weeks from now. That seems unlikely. Lets hope shall we?

* If i didn't mention it before and you're someone who doesn't actually know me in the meat world, I lived in Chicago for 13 years, and returned to Massachusetts when it became clear my Mother was declining and Dad had a lot to bear on his own, after Mum passed away I stayed in MA with Dad. 

FFS

So I spoke with my surgeon last week, he is back to work but not fully better yet, as he had suffered from some kind of brain nerve inflammation/infection that caused terrible vertigo (how shitty does THAT sound?). He is doing small procedures but since mine's a 12 hour haul I'm going to talk to him again in 4 weeks and see where he's st then. Not thrilled about this further delay but shit happens.

So in the meantime I'm trying to get some  (doctor sanctioned moderate) exercise, drumming up work (who needs photography?) and keeping calm and carrying on. Yep.

Continuing to circle the airport....

*heavy sigh and an eye roll*

So late last week after sending my Cardiologist to do some nagging on my behalf, I got a call from the surgical coordinator on behalf of my surgeon. It hasn't been a good year for my surgeon so far. He had to take time off to go out to CA for a couple of weeks when his father suddenly had to have open heart surgery, and then, no doubt due to the cesspool that is airports and airline travel, he got sick himself upon his return. I assume some kind of inner ear type thing since he has apparently been experiencing balance issues, which clearly makes him unable to perform surgery.

So.

I was offered the option of seeing another doctor but not at the same hospital. In addition to not wanting to forge a new relationship with a new surgeon (my guy didn't kill me the first time, I'm gonna trust him to go 2 for 2) I also have no interest in having to go through all the testing and bullshit AGAIN, nor having to drive into Boston or Newton, where they keep the other good hospitals. I can wait. Hopefully not for much longer. Coordinator said he would contact me in 2 weeks (so, next week) and assuming the doctor was all better, we would schedule my surgery asap. If I am in the hospital by mid March I will be happy (albeit surprised)

I'm feeling slightly less spiky since my last post and while I still feel rather broken on the inside I don't feel quite so much like I'm going out of my mind. I'm trying to get more exercise (and by exercise I mean walking a few times around the grocery store/target etc) but anything strenuous than walking is exhausting. Yesterday, earlier in the day I was up and down my basement stairs trying to get some things in order, then I went to my studio. Since people park like complete twats (you do not need to be 5 feet away from the car next to you) I had to go to the additional parking lot, which involves a flight of about 30 steps up, and then down again to get to the building. Even though I scaled the stairs slowly, breathing deeply the entire way I still had to stop at the top for a minute, I literally could barely breathe and for the rest of the day I was absolutely exhausted. I have never been the fittest person in the room and I doubt I ever will be but I never thought I'd actually MISS exercise. My god I'd love to be able to go to the gym and do a 30 minute speed walk followed by some weights. I'm even thinking about outrageous things like getting some personal training and maybe trying Couch to 5k (Obviously once I'm all fixed and docs have signed off on it) Not sure my knees, hips  (and lets be honest, my tits because even in a sports bra they fly around like puppies fighting in a pillowcase) could bear running, but perhaps a gentle trot.  I just want to have energy again. I honestly don't remember what that's like.

So that's my gloom and doom for today. Peace out, bitches!

So it's February

Today marks 4 months since my surgery was originally scheduled to happen (before it was pushed back a week). Today I'm waiting to hear back from surgeons office about a surgery date. A week and a half ago I had a trans-jugular liver biopsy, which I have to say was really fucking unpleasant, but my liver is the one that pulled the shenanigans that cancelled my surgery back in October, and the concern is still that my liver might not survive the surgery, which would mean a liver transplant as well, which is super duper awesome. I really hope it doesn't come to that, but there's no way of knowing. Whatever the outcome, it should happen in the next few weeks. Since I basically had a nervous breakdown in front of my surgeon when I saw him a few weeks back I'd like to think he realizes that whether or not he has patients that are more urgent than I am, that I am coming apart at the seams and this has to happen soon.


So since the debacle last October I've become more and more...I don't know...damaged? neurotic? anxious? depressed? I don't know how to describe it except to say that I look at pictures of myself a year ago and feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I've let this shit define me, so in addition to the actual physical healing process, I will also need to do some serious work on my psyche. I'll find a shrink and whatnot, but for now I"m just keeping my head down and trying to stay sane(isn) until this is over. I don't think I've ever been this unhappy in my life. No breakup, no disappointment, no passing of a loved one, no teenaged angst has ever left me feeling so completely detached from who I am. This is not who I want to be. I don't want to be heart surgery girl. I don't want to be fucked up liver girl, I don't want to be always greeted with a sympathetic-head-tilt "How are you doing?" girl, I don't want to be cries-at-the-drop-of-a-hat-for-no-logical-reason girl. I want to be photographer girl, world traveler girl, works out at the gym 4 times a week girl, I want to be healthy, I want to be strong, I want to not be whatever the fuck it is I've become.

So that's where I"m at. Time for a Xanax and a nap.

Happy New year y'all!

Rang in the new year quietly in a small apartment in Manhattan with a longtime friend, one of her co-workers,  a corgi, and a cat. It was entirely wonderful.

So with the trip to New York, came the anxiety I now experience with travel. Xanax gets me through, but it's frustrating as all hell to me that where once while en-route anywhere exciting I was thrilled, now I spend the journey haunted by dark thoughts - what if something happens while I'm on my way?  What if there's one flight of stairs too many coming out of the subway and my heart just bursts? Nobody knows me, nobody would know if I drop like a stone it's less likely to be a heart attack and more likely to be aortic dissection? What if something happens while I'm sleeping at a friends house and they get to be the one that *finds me*. I refuse to stop traveling at any opportunity, but it makes me SO ANGRY that I think this way now. Will I always feel this way? Will there ever be a time in my life that I don't feel my heart beating in my throat if I scale more than ten stairs or walk up a gentle hill? Will I ever NOT feel like a tired old lady? Will I ever be able to travel to places like Lisbon again or will the hills keep me at bay? Will I ever TRUST my heart not to betray me again? I've spoken to a couple of friends who survived cancer and while Cancer and Cardiac issues are two very different animals, once your health has been compromised in a major way like that, it's very hard not to constantly wonder, what's next?

Fuck this. Fuck it all with a rusty chainsaw.

Anyway - With the rollover to the new year I am no longer able to keep pushing this impending surgery to the back of my mind. It's going to be a long month but I need to start mentally steeling myself to go through this shit AGAIN. I saw my cardiologist yesterday, nothing really came of that since he's only been my cardiologist since last June, and really, aside from my dress rehearsal last october and an increasing *like shit* feeling,  nothings changed. I have the CTScan on the 14th, then follow up with surgeon on the 22nd. Then I'll get my date, then I'll know.

Meanwhile, trying to get back to work after an abysmal Xmas season

And here we are again

So I didn't mean to up and walk out on y'all for a couple of months but there it is. Floundered a bit after getting out of the hospital, was very depressed for a couple of weeks and extremely anxious. Towards the end of that my back for no particular reason, became spontaneously wankered, and then when that finally cleared up (mostly) I just started getting caught up on living my life and since my surgeon didn't return my calls for a couple of weeks I sort of let myself forget about it for a bit. I finally had my cardiologist call him personally and then he finally got back to me. We are looking at a mid january surgery so in hospital speak I think that means some time in February. So Xmas in 10 days then I'm off to ring in the New Year in Manhattan (in the safety of a friends cozy apartment, eff that Times Square fuckery, even if I had the energy for something like that, nothing about being crammed into a crowd with a bunch of drunk, potentially vomity strangers is the least bit compelling to me. No, I will be sipping a polite cocktail with one of my oldest friends, a cat, and a corgi. Despite not going out I still plan to wear sequins. Because I like sparkles.

So thats where I am now. I'm not gonna lie, I probably won't post much until I have a date, but just wanted to check in and wish everyone a Happy Festivus.