Monday, February 8, 2016

So it's February

Today marks 4 months since my surgery was originally scheduled to happen (before it was pushed back a week). Today I'm waiting to hear back from surgeons office about a surgery date. A week and a half ago I had a trans-jugular liver biopsy, which I have to say was really fucking unpleasant, but my liver is the one that pulled the shenanigans that cancelled my surgery back in October, and the concern is still that my liver might not survive the surgery, which would mean a liver transplant as well, which is super duper awesome. I really hope it doesn't come to that, but there's no way of knowing. Whatever the outcome, it should happen in the next few weeks. Since I basically had a nervous breakdown in front of my surgeon when I saw him a few weeks back I'd like to think he realizes that whether or not he has patients that are more urgent than I am, that I am coming apart at the seams and this has to happen soon.

So since the debacle last October I've become more and more...I don't know...damaged? neurotic? anxious? depressed? I don't know how to describe it except to say that I look at pictures of myself a year ago and feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I've let this shit define me, so in addition to the actual physical healing process, I will also need to do some serious work on my psyche. I'll find a shrink and whatnot, but for now I"m just keeping my head down and trying to stay sane(isn) until this is over. I don't think I've ever been this unhappy in my life. No breakup, no disappointment, no passing of a loved one, no teenaged angst has ever left me feeling so completely detached from who I am. This is not who I want to be. I don't want to be heart surgery girl. I don't want to be fucked up liver girl, I don't want to be always greeted with a sympathetic-head-tilt "How are you doing?" girl, I don't want to be cries-at-the-drop-of-a-hat-for-no-logical-reason girl. I want to be photographer girl, world traveler girl, works out at the gym 4 times a week girl, I want to be healthy, I want to be strong, I want to not be whatever the fuck it is I've become.

So that's where I"m at. Time for a Xanax and a nap.